Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Infertility is like Cancer.
Infertility is like cancer. You can choose to fight or you can choose to give up but no matter what you choose the outcome may be the same. You may never beat it. It consumes your whole life and takes away parts of your soul that you cant get back. You can fight as hard as you can and do everything that every doctor even suggests that you try and still not beat it. You may be thinking that if you dont beat cancer you die and this is surely worse... what you may not have realized is that if you dont beat infertility that is like the death of your children, or at least the death of the dream to have children. In no uncertain terms it is the death of your family.
It is easy for people to understand how having cancer consumes your life but people dont seem to quite understand how infertility does the exact same thing. I am a human pincushion. Every day I take tons of medications that make me feel awful. Everyday I am in pain. Everyday I feel lost. Everyday I pray that the fight will end. Everyday I am wondering what else I can do, what else I can change. Everyday I cry because I am so scared that I wont win this fight.
When you have cancer it is so hard to see how your disease is affecting the people you love, what will they do without you, will they be ok? When you are infertile you cant help but think of all the ones you love, do they resent you, the gifts you are taking from your husband, the gift you are taking from your parents to be grandparents, will my husband be ok without kids, will I be ok without kids?
When you have cancer its so hard to watch everyone around you be healthy and live normal lives. When you are infertile it is so hard to watch everyone else have what you dream of and get it easily and sometimes even take it for granted.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I have cancer. I feel like I am fighting for my life. I dont want a life without children. I dont want a life where I am so depressed and devastated all the time. I dont want to be jealous of other people. I dont want to cry. But, this is the hand I was dealt, so I fight. I fight because I dont know what else to do. I fight because I feel like I was wronged. I fight because I dont know how to give up. I am fighting and I am broken.
It is easy for people to understand how having cancer consumes your life but people dont seem to quite understand how infertility does the exact same thing. I am a human pincushion. Every day I take tons of medications that make me feel awful. Everyday I am in pain. Everyday I feel lost. Everyday I pray that the fight will end. Everyday I am wondering what else I can do, what else I can change. Everyday I cry because I am so scared that I wont win this fight.
When you have cancer it is so hard to see how your disease is affecting the people you love, what will they do without you, will they be ok? When you are infertile you cant help but think of all the ones you love, do they resent you, the gifts you are taking from your husband, the gift you are taking from your parents to be grandparents, will my husband be ok without kids, will I be ok without kids?
When you have cancer its so hard to watch everyone around you be healthy and live normal lives. When you are infertile it is so hard to watch everyone else have what you dream of and get it easily and sometimes even take it for granted.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I have cancer. I feel like I am fighting for my life. I dont want a life without children. I dont want a life where I am so depressed and devastated all the time. I dont want to be jealous of other people. I dont want to cry. But, this is the hand I was dealt, so I fight. I fight because I dont know what else to do. I fight because I feel like I was wronged. I fight because I dont know how to give up. I am fighting and I am broken.
(I in NO way mean to say that infertility is worse than cancer. I am trying to explain the way that infertility makes a person feel and affects their life is similar to that of a person with cancer.)
I totally get what you are saying here. I don't want life without a child/children!! I don't want to not know what it's like to hear my own child call me Mama or hug me, tell me they love me. More importantly, I don't want to only know life as a "Mother" to a stillborn and live a life as a grief stricken person. I *deserve*, as all women who want children do, to be a real Mother.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you have had to go through this journey, but i am very glad you have Foster as a result! Big Hugs!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post, thank you. I don't know many people who have suffered infertility, and I suppose I have never stopped to think what they are going though. And yes, we do take it for granted. I'm glad you have Foster, what a an amazing mam he has!
ReplyDeleteThis is so well put. I've tried and I've tried explaining to friends how it feels, but they just don't "get" it. In a way, I'm glad for them that they don't, because they don't have to and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
ReplyDeleteThis is SO true! Couldn't have said it better!
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