I am morally and emotionally broken right now and I am missing a piece of myself.
I am not sure that I can really call this a piece of myself anymore. It feels like a piece of my soul that infertility has stolen from me that I cannot get back. I have deep wounds from the horrifying things that I have been through. The dark places that I have gone are not places that I can forget.
People say that motherhood forever changes you and things you experience as a mother leave lasting imprints on you. I wish those were the prints that showed on me, but my prints are painful ones left by really bad times. Emotional wounds with triggers all around me. I truly think that I have post-traumatic stress syndrome.
Over time after becoming pregnant with Foster I worked
really hard to try and move past being the extremely hurt person that I truly was and putting on the happy face that a new mother was supposed to wear. Now, I don't want anyone to think that I wasn't completely enchanted with my son because there are not words to describe my pure and unadulterated joy and love. In addition to those feelings I was a person who was so scared and damaged. How did I get so lucky to have this miracle? How am I here looking at this child that I made when I know so many women who aren't yet? It is like a huge serving of survivor's guilt. I felt so incredibly guilty. All of these people where so happy to surround me with their love and support but I didn't really know how to receive it. I fought so hard and but it was a very private fight. Even though we had shared with a few close friends what we were going through no one was privy to all of the raw fear that we lived with day in and day out.
The panic attacks started the day that we left the hospital. We came home and when bedtime arrived I realized that there was no pulse ox (oxygen monitoring machine he was on in the NICU) for him to wear that would alarm and wake us up if he was in respiratory distress. How in the world were we supposed to sleep? We couldn't! I wouldn't! Cue panic attack. Full blown freak out that included me clutching my baby begging my husband to call out moms so someone was awake with him at all times. When he refused that idea I went into full blown hyperventilating, tear streaming pleading for him to take us back to the hospital. I scared him half to death that night I think. I truly believe that he thought I had lost my mind and postpartum psychosis had set in.
The fear of losing my son was completely overwhelming. No child is replaceable but in my case there was no guarantee that I could even ever have another so this thought was absolutely petrifying. Another day later we ended up getting admitted to Children's Hospital for what appeared to be respiratory distress.... can you imagine what this did to me?
Here is where the honesty and part of my
30 under 30 come into play. My survivor's guilt makes it really hard for me to share how hard I still struggle with infertility and my emotions. One of my 30 under 30 goals was to come clean about our whole IF journey so here it goes... We have been through three rounds of IVF (in vitro) trying for our second child. All have been complete failures. This is something that has broken my will and my spirit. After the 3rd IVF in a short span of 6 months (oct '12-March '13) my anxiety and depression set in like something I've never experienced. Panic attacks took over and things had to change. I had to try to move on and stop trying because I was so mentally and emotionally unhealthy. I was broken, alone, fighting silently (we literally told I think ONE person that this was going on).
I have to wake up every day and tell myself that today I will smile, today I will try to laugh, today I will not let infertility win.
Today I lost. I do not have the strength to put into words what I went through today but it has tested my strength far beyond anything I had imagined. I cannot say more because I will have another panic attack. Please pray for me, I am shaken to my core and unsure of what to do. I leave you with this amazing video that played in my head all day:
