Monday, June 30, 2014


I am thankful to be able to say that I am happy. Last week I think that I tripped and fell into some feelings and "over felt" them while I was hormonal and now I can happily say that I brushed that shit off!

I am 29, 30 is approaching and I have big plans for my life, big happy plans! I have tons of great friends, an absolutely flourishing career (which I must say is it a FANTASTIC spot right now), a supportive family that loves me, and so much more. I feel like this year, 29, I am learning a lot about myself. Sometimes it is hard to learn things about yourself and have life changes but I think that sometimes they are refreshing.

One thing that I have started to enjoy is "quiet me time". I am usually a people person who wants to be with friends and others all the time. I find now that with work and a toddler and husband I just need time to decompress and unwind my crazy brain. My favorite new hobby is READING. I am obsessed actually. I prefer reading over anything else, even my TV shows, (Yep, you heard it here first!).

I am putting time into relationships that enrich my life and the life of my family. I don't want drama or unneeded stress. Stress is meant for work, not home, right?! My home/social life isn't the place for that. No "he said/she said" bullshit =)

The point of all of this is that I really feel like I am growing up a lot right now. I am making changes that are positive and helping me grow into a better and more mature person.

Mature people can still eat macaroni and cheese, dance like fools, take drinking vacations, read young adult books like harry potter, live on fruit loops and play their music way too loud, right? ;)

Life Lessons: Friendship

Thursday, June 19, 2014

I try not to get too heavy on the good old blog too often but I feel like there are just some things that need to get on here. I know as women we all go through friendships, some that last, some that don't, some that change, some that always stay the same. What is weird is how you can choose to end a friendship but it can still be so hard on you.

As I have gotten older and my life has changed I have started to really look at my relationships differently. Between work, raising a toddler, my marriage, life responsibilities, and our families, I know that there is much less time for friends. I wish I had more but at the stage I am at I just don't. I in no way mean this negatively but I am not a stay-at-home-mom, I don't have daytime to meet up with friends and have playdates etc. This all boils down to this..... MY TIME IS VERY LIMITED.

I want to spend the time I have on friendships that are meaningful and enrich my life. I don't want my friendships to make me feel bad, to make me feel inadequate, to give me anxiety, or to be one way relationships.

I am the kind of friend who would do absolutely anything for my best friends. I would drop everything and be there in an instant if they need me, I will inconvenience myself to help them out. I am just that kind of person. I know that this is a trait that not everyone has but nowadays I know that since this is the way that I am it is something that I need from a best friend (or at least something close). If someone that I have done these things for in the past isn't there for me when I need them then they have got to go. I have always made excuses for a certain friend I had, I would tell myself that she really did care that much, that this time it was impossible, that she just didn't get it because she hadn't been there. Now, without my rose colored glasses, I can see clearly..... she just cared much more about herself.

I am not going to pretend that I don't have my issues, I do. I come with baggage. I am talking big time emotional baggage.
Brief Description of Baggage- 
       I went through a few years of very intense infertility cycling and treatment with my husband as soon as we got married. We were only 24 and 25 at the time and it was very isolating. We didn't know anyone else going through it, we were unsuccessful for a long time. It was scary. I became very emotionally fragile, only a shell of myself. I was in running in crisis mode. We were blessed with an absolute miracle, a positive pregnancy test on our 2nd IVF. 
       We went through a VERY complicated pregnancy with a lot of issues, one of which was a high probability of our baby having Down's Syndrome. I was induced at 35weeks and 5 days due to severe pre-eclampsia and delivered by emergency c-section after that failed. Foster was in the NICU for a few days after birth. He was a pretty sick boy for his first year.
       After Foster's first birthday we started back up with IVF hoping to get pregnant, we went through 3 failed IVFs and nothing went as planned. We were forced to stop trying due to financial inability to afford any more IVFs (no insurance coverage for infertility and costing between 9-12k a pop at least).
       After all of this I started having severe anxiety attacks and my depression worsened. I was basically unable to function. I saw my doctor and we started working on medication management to help me control the anxiety.

Having summed that up I think you probably get the idea. Basically pregnancy is a tough topic for me, family size planning is gut-wrenching, all of it is really hard. I do my best to just let it roll off my shoulders but usually I am pretty sure that if someone had the balls to look me in the eyes during these group conversations you would see the look of a lost puppy..... watery empty eyes yearning to understand and feel what these people feel.

Our infertility is something that my close friends know a lot about so it is something that I would think they at least know affects me. When your best friend knows what you have been through I just expected that maybe she would take my situation into consideration in certain situations.

So as not to share too many unneeded details I will say this. All of my close girlfriend group was pregnant together (some just delivered and some are about to), except for one with a newborn and one that is single. That is 5 pregnant out of 7. Together. All due within about 3 months of each other. That was/is tough. I am happy for them but group gatherings are inevitably filled with pregnancy talk, baby planning, planning the future with their close-in-age little ones. All that fun stuff. All that stuff I can't do. All that stuff I so badly wish I was doing with them but cannot. It is like hearing your best friends plan a future that you have no place in. It is indescribable. So yes, maybe I didn't attend many large group gatherings. Im sure it made it less awkward for them, I kind of felt like it was a favor to them. I asked about their pregnancies a few times each, but I work 50+ hour weeks at a new OBGYN practice I had just joined. Honestly, my plate was overfull.

My best friend had her baby..... I found out from my husband. I had no clue. *gut punch* I texted her right away and all she wanted to do was say that she thought I didn't care. I truly know that she could not have thought that. She chose to say that I pushed everyone away and pick and chose when I wanted to show up, that she didn't have time to talk to me. We have never spoke again. That was 2 months ago.

Did my best friend, who knows everything about me, really not in all that time not stop and think for a second how hard all of that might have been for me? That maybe I was doing my best that I could while still keeping myself from falling apart? That I have always dropped everything to be there 150% for her, how could I not care that she was having her baby?

My heart was broken, it still is. 15 years of being as close as close can be. After standing right next to each other in our weddings. After everything. She just said I didn't care and she didn't have time to talk about it right now and I never heard from her ever again.

The hurt couldn't be changed or taken back now. You can't change the fact that she didn't care about me enough to either consider where I was coming from or simply honestly ask me. So while my heart is broken and hurting I have been putting on my public face (the one I have been wearing since I was 24 and my whole life changed) and I'm trying to just move on and focus on friends who are there for me. I will get there but I miss the friendship I thought I had.

What friendship lessons have you learned?


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Helene in Between

My 9-5 is more actually an 8:30-5 (work day). But clearly my day consists of a lot more than just the work day. This will be my normal work day agenda!

6:30- Wake-up, shower, get ready, get Foster up and dressed.
7:30- Leave the house for work (Justin takes Foster to daycare every day unless he is out of town)
8:30- Day starts in the office. Here is a picture of my new desk area at my new practice =)

9:00- Patient appointments start so this means I won't be at my desk much from now till lunch.
1:00- Lunch
2:00- Patient visits start again
5:00- End of the work day, drive home.
6:00- Get home and cook dinner, eat, hang out before Foster's bedtime.

8:00- Fosters bedtime (books, cuddling/rocking)
9:00- Catch up on emails, blog, work, etsy, etc.
12:00- Bed

What is your 9-5 like? Go link up with Helene!!!


A Mama CollectiveThinking About: All the things around my house that need done and cleaned. Long weekend of housework ahead for the Daniel family.
Hoping For: I am hoping that this weekend my mom and I will have a wonderful time traveling to Cincinnati to see Lionel Richie and do some shopping/stay overnight. She and I don't always get along but I love her very much and I want to be able to do things like this with her.
Listening To: The TV =)
Watching: Season 1 of "Hart of Dixie" on Netflix. Such a cute show, I cannot believe that I have never seen it before.
Reading: I changed my plan and started reading Girl, Undressed (A memoir). I am about half way through it, so far so good. 3/5 stars from me for what I have read... we will see after I finish.
Thankful For: I am so incredibly thankful for my new job. The practice and my new co-workers are amazing. (I must say a lot of my old coworkers were amazing but the management was HORRID). I am loving it so much and I am so thankful to have joined this practice!

Literary Junkies

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Pink Heels Pink Truck

1. What are you reading? Tell us about it.
I am actually reading 2 books right now. This is not typical for me but I STRUGGLING with one of the books, it just isn't making me excited to pick up my kindle. The book I am struggling with is Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. The other book that I am readying is Girl, Undressed (A memoir) by Ruth Fowler.

2. Library or Bookstore?
Split answer! Girl, Undressed is from the bookstore but I bought it a long time ago (years, in fact). Dark Places is on my kindle so that isn't really either one =)

3. What books have you read and re-read several times?
I actually am not a repeat reader. Sorry to disappoint. The closest I have come is I have read some Harry Potter books twice.

4. What is the first book that made you fall in love with reading?
The Harry Potter series, yep, true story!

5. Who's your favorite author? Tell us so we can binge-read!
I am really digging Colleen Hoover!!! Hopeless and Losing Hope were some of my favorite books ever!

Always, Sometimes, Never

Thursday, June 12, 2014


I always...
- wear my seatbelt, total lifesaver if you ask me.
- drink caffeine in the morning, it is necessary for me to survive and thrive.
- hug, kiss, and tell my son "I love you" before bed.
- wear makeup when I leave the house.
- choose red wine over white. Every. Single. Time.
- drink milk with popcorn.
- say "I love you" to my husband before ending a phone call.
- sleep on my side with a body pillow between my knees.

I sometimes...
- wear my jeans for a week before washing them. Ha, they are so much more comfy after they have been worn once or twice.
- lose my temper.
- drive too fast.
- wish I was able to say "NO" to things when I want to.

I never...
- lie. It is bad karma. I believe that the truth is far more liberating.
- wear socks to bed, I would probably die of overheating.
- enjoy really hot summer days, I am a spring and fall girl.
- even considered being a stay at home mom, I love my career!
- thought I would be as amazed as I am by my son.

My Summer Bucket List

I love posting things like this because they sort of make me accountable. It is not that I won't do them but sometimes I forget things that I intend to do or I just need a reminder that I have things I need to get done. Can you tell I am a to-do list kind of girl? 

1. Read, Read, Read (5 books)
2. Go to the pool
3. Go to the Ballantre Splash Park
4. Go to the Splash Pad downtown at the Scioto Mile
5. COSI (science museum)
6. Go to the Zoo (and feed the giraffes while there!)
7. Grill out with friends
8. Go to 2 concerts
9. Go to the Splash Pad in Powell
10. Go to Mingo park
11. Soccer lessons for Foster
12. Swimming lessons for Foster
13. Get ice cream cones as a family
14. Play in the sprinkler
15. Become successful at the new practice that I joined

I can't wait to tackle this list and have already started my summer reading!!! What is on your summer bucket list?

Momma Moments- Strawberry Pickin'

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

This is my first time linking up with Momma Moments and I love the idea of this link up. I need to post more "momma moments" on the blog because these moments are so precious and are going by so fast.

Foster LOVES gardening right now. I even got him his own set of garden tools and gardening gloves so that he can help us in the yard. My parents have a lot of land and have put in a garden area where they grow some fruits and veggies. Foster is so intrigued by the garden. 

The past 2 months he has been going in there with his Papa and Grammy and looking at the plants sprout and grow. This past month the strawberries were growing but were still green & white and not ripe. Last week when we went over the berries were ripe for the picking' (pun intended). Foster was so excited and went out there with Grammy and a bucket and he would find the red ones and say "READY!" and then pluck the off and put them in his bucket. They picked a full bucket of them and he was sooooo excited to wash and eat them. Here he is with a "BIG STWAW-BEWWY"!

Currently.... a link up!

Monday, June 9, 2014

A Mama Collective

Thinking about: What I need to do to get ready to plant flowers with Foster tonight when he gets home from school. Also getting ready to go to EHR training tomorrow at Mount Carmel for my new job (post to come on that).
Reading: I just finished "The List" by Siobhan Vivian on Sunday and now I am going to either go back to Dark Places and try to finish it or start The Memory Keepers Daughter.
Listening to: I am listening to the TV which is playing True Tori on my ROKU. Music-wise I have been listening to a lot of Lionel Richie lately and also DMB, as usual.
Watching: Justin and I started watching Scandal about a week ago and we are 100% addicted. IT IS SO GOOD. We are already on season 3, started it last night. I can't believe that I haven't been watching this all along.
Thankful for: My new job that is starting. Also for the greatest gift in the word, my son!

Monday Morning Gossip- June 9th

This week I am going to just jot down some gossip in list format-
- Foster has a third birthday coming up that I need to start planning
- Foster's speech has exploded, he can literally say anything that he wants!
- Foster had a horrible injury. He fell while running and hit his head on the base of our stair banister and split his forehead open, down to his skull. He had to get 3 layers of stitches because it was so deep. We had to literally scoop him up and RUSH to the ER. It was terrifying and so sad. 

- I renewed out zoo pass and kept Foster home from school last friday to take him to the zoo!

Mingle 240

Sunday Social- June 8th

Sunday, June 8, 2014

This weeks questions-

1. When do you take time for you? This is a tough one. I find that if I have free time I usually find something special that we can do as a family or that I can do with my son. In 2014 I have started to d something that I considered to be "mental free time" and that is reading. I am LOVING it. I have read 8 books already this year and if you know me and how busy I am that is quite impressive.

2. What do you find to be your biggest weakness? I have a serious and real problem saying "no". I will bend over backwards until I break for friends (especially ones who will not do it for me, it seems). I cannot not help someone in need. I have trouble saying no to simple things so when it comes to tough things I am even worse at it. This year I am working on saying "no" and watching out for me.

3. What is your biggest attribute? My loyalty. Like I said in the last question, I am loyal to a fault. I will do anything for those that I love and I am 100% a fixer.

4. What is your favorite place to shop online? This is tough... Jane.com GroopDeal.com ModCloth.com are some of my favorites right now.

5. What is your favorite place to kill time? TARGET!!!!!!

Because when don't I love a good Ryan meme?! So hot.

Advocacy Day: The Main Event (Wednesday)

The truth is that no matter how many times I write this post I will read it and feel like I left things out, like I missed points, like something is missing. Advocacy Day was filled with so much passion, inspiration, emotion, dedication, and anger. 

You read that right. I said ANGER. Not the kind of anger that makes you scream and yell. Not the kind of anger that makes you punch the wall. But the kind of anger that makes 154 advocates from all over the country travel to Capitol Hill to educate Congress because we are ANGRY about our infertility. Sometimes anger can be healthy. It can make people demand change.

154 Advocates from 27 states, 2300+ letter from all 50 states, 160 meetings on Capitol Hill on May 7th 2014.

The 154 advocates present on May 7th was composed of women and men who went through infertility and professionals who treat infertility. Some REs (Reproductive Endocrinologists) traveled to be at these meetings and advocate as well. This was three times the number of advocates that Resolve had two years ago. This was something to be so very proud of. The organizers of this event did an amazing job and really deserve so much thanks.

The morning started with a breakfast and meeting to get everyone ready for the day. They did some talking with us about the different bills/acts that we were presenting and gave us some leave-behind materials to give to all of the congress-people that we would be seeing.

I was honored to get to hear Barb Collura talk to us that morning. She is the President of Resolve and a very inspirational woman.

We also got to hear from Jen & Whitney, the Co-Chairs of the event. They gave passionate speeches that fired us up for the day and, in all honesty, made me cry. Here are some quotes from them that really gave me goosebumps: 

"Being here isn’t easy. It’s easy to not talk about our infertility. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by our disease and to say “not this year.” It’s easy to let others do the work. In all honesty, this work has been a struggle for me this year. I’ve felt the pull to get on with my “life after infertility.” This hasn’t been easy, even for me.
I am thrilled that there are 154 of us in this room. This is nearly three times as many advocates as we had two years ago at my first AD. But it’s still not enough. What we cannot forget is that if we do not show up, if we do not do what is not easy, no one else will.
We need to recognize that we are privileged to be here today. We get to find our voices today. We get to tell our stories. We get to stand up to the injustices that we see in our healthcare system. How amazing! There are so many who are suffering who cannot be here, who cannot speak out, who cannot demand better medical care, who are alone in this battle. Today we are speaking for them" -Jen

“Today, infertility comes out of the closet. Today, you get to actually do something about your infertility. You will put a face to this disease and educate congress about this healthcare crisis we are all facing. Today we stop being victims of our disease, and start being advocates for our community.
Our work today can’t be an isolated moment in time. It’s going to require some endurance on our part. My step-mother-in-law told me that she didn’t think we’d be having to fight for something like this today, like she was doing back in the 60s/70s. Well, here we are today and it does fall to us to fight for this — let’s make sure it doesn’t fall to the children that we all want so badly.
A silent disease will yield silent results, so it’s going to take ALL of us to speak up! I invite you to find your voice today. You will turn your personal struggle into something more. I’m proud that you are not only here today, but that you guys are also leaders in a grassroots movement of mobilizing your peers to speak up and take action as well. WE ARE BUILDING A MOVEMENT!" -Whitney
We then got to hear from Representative Rick Larsen, the Sponsor who introduced the Women's Veterans and Other Healthcare Improvements Act. He gave a great speech and everyone really felt his passion when he asked us "Should men and women have to choose between serving their country and having a family?"

This photo is of the entire Ohio Constituency. We were ready to go tell our reps and senators all about the Family Act, Women's Veterans and Other Healthcare Improvements Act, & The Adoption Tax Credit Refundability Act.

I cannot even tell you how neat it was to be walking the halls of the Senate and House of Representatives buildings. I was standing in the very place where laws are made. It was inspiring to say the least.

We had a schedule of appointments that were set up for each of us by the Resolve crew. On my schedule were my Ohio Senators, Rob Portman & Sherrod Brown, and the State Representative or my district that I live in, Pat Tiberi. I also attended a meetings with another Rep from our state. Since I was attending as a professional as well I spoke about "infertility 101" and sort of taught the people we were meeting with about infertility and how many of their constituents it affects, that it is a disease, and how costly it can be.

 As I stated before we have 154 advocates from 27 states. This means that we had 23 states that were not represented by advocates BUT we had all 50 states represented in letters. I, myself, brought over 160 letters. Since I wanted to make the largest impact possible I asked to deliver letters to offices for states that were not represented by advocated. They gave me Utah and New Hampshire to also hand out. So that added many more offices and impromptu meetings to my day. I was glad to do it and it kept me VERY busy but I was there to make change and I didn't need time to sightsee.  This photo is with Representative Kuster, we got to have an impromptu meeting with her while we were delivering letters from her constituents. 

 Yep, I even went to Boehner's office, THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!!!

We got to meet Democratic Senator Sherrod Brown from Ohio and talk to him about infertility. He was interested and already supports the Veteran Bill!

All in all this experience was one that I will never forget. As a woman who is affected by infertility EVERY SINGLE DAY it is hard to explain what it feels like to get a chance to fight back. This is something that we get the chance to do normally. We suffer mostly in silence, we have very few people who can truly understand what we are going through, we lose friends, we shut down, but today we opened up.... we spoke up.... we fought back. I sat in front of so many people and I told them my story. I was heard. They may not really understand, many of those aids were too young to understand the yearn for a family or the true impact of infertility but they had to look at my face and into my eyes while I sat there and said "I am Lindsey, I was diagnosed with infertility when I was only 24 years old, I have been through IVF FIVE times, and I have spent over $72,000 out of pocket to try to build my family. HELP ME."

I cannot fix infertility for everyone, god knows I cannot seem to fix myself. But what I can do is fight. Fight for me, fight for you, fight for us.