My Biggest Fear

This is sort of a tough one for me actually. If you asked me a couple years ago this would have been a very simple answer "Failure" but now that I have a child my biggest fear is losing him/something happening to him. I think this is probably every (good) parent's worst fear though so today I am going to talk about my overwhelming fear of failure.

I know it probably sounds silly and irrational but failure just isn't in my vocabulary. It is not an outcome that I have on the table to choose from. My parents always expected a lot from me and I wasn't rewarded for doing well, if I didn't do well it was "WHY DID YOU GET A 'B' IN THAT CLASS" or something along those lines. Second best was just that, second. 

I have always been competitive and all of my friend will agree that when it comes to a game or competition I am "in it to win it" which I think is healthy and important. Who wants to do things with someone who doesn't put in effort and care about winning?! Certainly not me.

I think, however, that while failure scares the crap out of me I need to learn that it is ok also. I need to learn that sometimes I am going to fail and that it is ok. Infertility was something that really hit me hard because no matter what I did, how hard I tried, or how much effort I put in I could NOT GET PREGNANT. I was literally losing my mind over it. Not only for the obvious reasons but because I felt so out of control and like such a failure. This wasn't acceptable and I immediately, upon realizing that I may just be a total failure at reproducing, signed up for grad school. I was gonna prove that I could succeed gosh darn it!!! So succeed I did. I got into the program I wanted, the quarter I wanted, for the specialty I wanted and I went through it with a 3.9 GPA. TAKE THAT FAILURE!!!!

You know what that taught me? That no matter what I do some things are out of my hands. I went through, and still struggle with, major depression and anxiety. My fear of failure is debilitating. I can spend every moment planning out how to succeed but sometimes I just cannot do it.

So while this is ONE of my biggest fears I know that it is one that I must tackle, and I am trying.

New Challenge... ACCEPTED!

                                                                          

I am going to attempt this "30 Days of Blogging" knowing that I may post more than one day at a time and miss some days but I will do my best!

1. Show the blog some love- It is no lie, this blog has been neglected lately. Joining a new practice and settling in has been a transition and a learning experience. It has been draining, rewarding, exhausting, fun, wild, and crazy! Now I need to get back to the things that are therapeutic for me, and my blog is one of them.

2. Get some billing/production issues solved at work- Need to have this meeting since the first quarter ended on March 31st and some things are "globally" billed and we need to figure out how this works when we all see those patients in the office.

3. Clean my freakin house!- It needs it, bottom line. I need to get it cleaned up enough to have the cleaning lady come and do a deep spring cleaning.

4. Party my ass off for my 29th birthday- Yep, necessary. Party is in the planning currently.

5. Re-evaluate my 30 before 30 because I only have 1 year left (eeeeek!)- I only have one freaking year left, how scary is that?! I need to look at this list and GET BUSY. At least I can say I that I completed my 20's as a successful career woman building my medical practice and client base. Thats a plus if my book!

6. Take Happy Valley by storm with my Nursing Girls- no doubt. Watch out this weekend if you ar win the happiest of valleys.

7. Go get a massage- Because, hell, I deserve it.