2015 started with a BANG.

While I wish that I could really lay out every detail of my life on my blog it really just cannot happen sometimes. These past few weeks I have wanted nothing more than to come here and pour out my soul onto these pages. I have cried myself to sleep, questioned everything in my life, almost lost my marriage, had to medicate myself through panic attacks, and honestly I have barely had the strength to get out of bed most days.

I had to keep away from my blog because I needed to keep what was going on private at the time I was in shock because I didn't think I could make sound decisions about what to share and how to share it.

Now, here I am, ready to come back and write and I try to piece my life together. It is going to be a process. 2015 is going to be the year where everything changes. It is either going to be really good and things are going to be better than they have been in a long time or it is going to be really tough and soul searching.

Only time will tell......

Work In Progress...

I am a work in progress.

I in no way, shape, or form think that I am done figuring out who I am. To that same point, there are many things about myself that I have figured out but I am not happy to settle on and want to change. Examples:

- I am messy.
- I can be unorganized in a few areas of my life because I am SO organized in others.
- I am inpatient.
- I spend money like more is always going to come.
- I don't know what this "saving" is that people talk about... money literally burns holes in my pockets.
- I have trouble forgiving people who really hurt me.
- I am chronically late, like so chronic.

There are also things about myself that I don't want to change and that I hope never go away. Examples:

- I am passionate.
- I am VERY driven. No accomplishment the end goal for me, there is always another goal.
- I love, hard.
- I give my friends 200%, there is NOTHING that I wouldn't do for my close friends.
- I don't lie. I think it's horrible karma and that nothing good can come of it.

Are you a work in progress or do you have it all figured out?

Six on Saturday

Yea, yea, I know that isn't a real link up {or at least not that I know of} but I needed a catchy title.

1. You may be feeling like you have no idea what blog you are on and that is because I changed the look of my blog and the name too! "The Crafty Practitioner" just didn't feel right anymore. I closed my etsy shop due to being super busy with my real job and I haven't been feeling crafty at all. This name feels much more ME because wine is my bff.

So, how do you like the new look?

2. I got the new iPhone 6+! I was really nervous that it would be too big but I knew that I had 2 weeks to return it if it wasn't working out between us so I went for it. So this beauty is my new companion:

We are getting along fabulously and so far I am thinking it is a keeper.

3. We are supposed to get our first snow that sticks to the ground here in Columbus, Ohio tomorrow and I cannot wait! Most people are dreading it and complaining profusely but I love snow and I am excited like a 5 year old on christmas eve. Bring it on mother nature!!!

4. Boston, our Vizsla puppy, is a little bit coo-coo. He literally cannot stand the car. He shakes like an earthquake thinking about the car, hides from me in the morning so that I cannot find him to get him to the car and once I do find him, I have to drag him like a 2 year old. It is insane, and I am not even exaggerating. He also drools {if you can even call it that} profusely for the first 20 minutes in the car. Evidence as follows:

So. Dramatic.

5. Justin's engine in his car {a 2010 subaru, WTF!} blew up on a trip for work and he was stuck in Maryland. We now have to pay for a whole new engine before the holidays. Are you kidding me?!

6. So happy to be back to blogging, I missed it. Sometimes a facelift is all I need!

Halloween with Captain America

Foster was so fun at Halloween this year. He really understood it and had anticipation for it so that made it very exciting (and I cannot wait for Christmas now). He had two costumes that we had picked up at Costco while shopping one day as dress-ups for the house so I decided that he could use these since they were fairly new.

We went to Boo at the Zoo and Foster chose to dress up in his "Racecar" (Racecar driver) costume for this event. Is was cold out and rainy so this was a great choice on his part. It was great practice for him to say "Happy Halloween", "Trick or Treat", and thanking people for the treats they were passing out. Here are some pictures of the fun that we had:

                                        

                                        

   

For trick or treat Foster wore his Captain America costume, he also wore is to school that day for his Halloween Party. He was SO excited to be dressed up as Captain America and would not take off the costume the whole day or evening. He ate dinner in it, haha! He did such a good job trick or treating. We went out with him and Boston came with us. We explained that the houses with the lights on are houses that want trick or treaters. Wouldn't you know that after that Foster had to go to EVERY. HOUSE. WITH. THE. LIGHTS. ON. "But the wights are on!!!!!!!!". Silly silly mommy, 3 year olds don't forget things like that.

Blog Revival 1.0

Wow, has it really been this long since I have been here on the blog?! Things have been busy and I have been uninspired I guess. What would be more correct to say is that I have been inspired to things away rom my computer, I have gone weeks at a time without even opening my laptop. It has actually been liberating but honestly I did miss my blog and the blogs that I read (which I did read on my phone, just couldn't really comment).

Work-
Work is fantastic. I cannot say enough about how much I love my practice that I am working at. I now have been approved or physician rights at the large health system here so that is huge too. Things have been very busy but very good!

Toddlerland-
This place is no joke and it is seriously fun! Foster is amazing me on a daily basis. I am going to post an entire post about him and his current development because so much has been happening. He did have his tonsils and adenoids removed in september so that was tough but great for him. Obstructive Sleep Apnea, BE GONE! Foster is also in PRESCHOOL (crazy, I know).

Family- We got a puppy! His name is Boston and he is a Vizsla. He is beyond adorable and let me just tell you this..... DAMN PUPPIES ARE SO MUCH WORK. I mean I might never get one again, haha. I love him and he is gonna be great but wow. He will also be getting his own post because, well, he deserves it.

Vacation- We took an awesome vacation to West Palm Beach florida to see my best friend and then to Key West with a couple that we went to undergrad with that we absolutely love.

Being kind to me.

My twenty-ninth year is one in which I feel like I am cleansing my life, heart and soul. I am making changes to make me more healthy, more happy, and more well rounded. I cannot say how good it feels to make many of these changes. It is not easy being a wife, mom to a toddler, work full time at a very demanding job, and do everything else that I do. Life needs balance. This year before I enter my 30s I am finding that balance. Some of the things are tough but they are going to be good things.

I have already completed my twelve book goal for 2014, go me! Reading is one of the most important  parts of my life right now, it gets my mind clear and takes me away from all the stress for at least a little while. I need to post about the books that I have read and let all of you know which ones I would recommend.

JD and I are working on "us". We know that we need to refocus on our marriage and get back to how we used to be before a toddler and before infertility rocked our foundation. We have changed and grown and now we needs to grow back together. We have been together since we were kids (I was 17) and we have clearly gone through a lot of changing since then and its time for us to learn how to rekindle what we have let slide in the last few years. I am excited to see where counseling and a safe place where we have to talk takes us!

Time away is something that we never made room for in our schedule or budget. This year we planned a trip to key west with a couple of friends and we cannot wait to leave in a little less than two weeks. Adult trip for beach, pool, drinking, relaxing, and fun. Sign me up!

The truth is that I am tough on myself, I am my biggest critic. I let myself worry too much about how I might look to others, how others might think of me, etc. I need to not care. I need to BE KIND TO ME and the rest is what it is. 

Besides, with a cutie like this everything in life is great!

A wednesday happy!

I am super busy but wanted to post a quick post to say how happy I was to meet a new little man that entered the world! His name is Liam and he was born on 7/14 to my friends, Hilary and Eric. I am so excited to see them parent and experience all that is parenthood together. It is an amazing journey and one that I think they will excel at. Hilary is a nurse and thinks much lie myself when it comes to health type things so it will be fun to see her navigate this first year! Congrats to my dear friends and let me tell you, that little man is a looker!!!!!

Could he be any cuter?! Eeek!

Toddler Tuesday!

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

This week is a busy one in the Daniel household. JD is actually in Germany for work although I think with Deutschland winning the World Cup there may be a bit of partying going on over there ;) I am getting ready for out of town family to come into town and for Foster's 3rd birthday party this coming weekend! Busy, happy, fun week! Today I am linking up with Ashley for Toddler Tuesday.

I thought that this tuesday I would share some of the things that I have been doing with Foster lately that he really loved. Toddlers are busy little people and like to be entertained all the time so these are some things that my ALMOST 3 year old (cue tears) has really been enjoying lately.

ANIMALS/BUGS/LIVING THINGS-

Foster loves to watch, touch, and learn about other living things. Animals fascinate him, bugs are SO COOL (yuck), he loves it all. On the 4th of July we were at y husband's cousin's house and they have chickens. Their chickens are super friendly and they are able to pick them up and they run around the property wherever they want until it is time to put them away for the night to keep them safe from foxes and other animals. Foster immediately had to ask all kinds of questions about them and hold one. So cute! 

My mother-in-law even froze a giant beetle for him and he held it, so gross!

 BOATING-

We took Foster on his first boat ride and he absolutely loved it. He loves trying new things and he was all about trying to help steer, touch the water, looking at the motor. He wanted to experience it all. My little engineer!

BIRTHDAY PARTIES-

Foster has been having an absolute blast at all the birthday parties that he has been attending lately. He loves playing with his friends and most of all he loves cake. It must be all the fun places that he gets to go for these parties that we normally do not go that makes them even more exciting! 

Last but definitely not least.....
SELFIES
yep, he is obsessed with taking selfies.

Ch...ch...ch...changes!

Happy thursday, bloggers! Work this week has been busy and fast paced and I'm tired. We have had lots of deliveries, surgeries, and other things pop up that pull docs out of the office to the hospital and so since I don't deliver I stay at the office and do my best to see all my patients and the patients of whoever is having to run for a delivery/surgery. The last few afternoons have been super busy but they go by very quickly. 

Let me be the first to say, this practice rocks. I love the physicians that I get to collaborate with, learn from, and hang out with. The girls in the office are great and I really enjoy working with them along with them doing a great job as support staff for us as providers. I am happy as can be here and so thankful to have found my way to this practice.

Ive been trying to put into words the things I have been thinking lately but the right words haven't been coming to me. This summer has started a new phase of my life (or that is the best word I can think of to describe it) and I am so happy. I am making changes that feel great, refocusing, trying to decrease stress, reading more (which equals sleeping a little less), parenting more, being positive, growing up. 

I think there is something so amazing going on here in the Daniel house. Maybe it's the new job that has my outlook totally changed? Not sure, but bring it on world!

Current projects:

- Party Planning for Foster's 3rd birthday.

- Getting ready for a long girl's weekend in Denver

- Planning for Key West over labor day week with college friends

Current Book: The Summer Hideaway

Happy

Happy.

I am thankful to be able to say that I am happy. Last week I think that I tripped and fell into some feelings and "over felt" them while I was hormonal and now I can happily say that I brushed that shit off!

I am 29, 30 is approaching and I have big plans for my life, big happy plans! I have tons of great friends, an absolutely flourishing career (which I must say is it a FANTASTIC spot right now), a supportive family that loves me, and so much more. I feel like this year, 29, I am learning a lot about myself. Sometimes it is hard to learn things about yourself and have life changes but I think that sometimes they are refreshing.

One thing that I have started to enjoy is "quiet me time". I am usually a people person who wants to be with friends and others all the time. I find now that with work and a toddler and husband I just need time to decompress and unwind my crazy brain. My favorite new hobby is READING. I am obsessed actually. I prefer reading over anything else, even my TV shows, (Yep, you heard it here first!).

I am putting time into relationships that enrich my life and the life of my family. I don't want drama or unneeded stress. Stress is meant for work, not home, right?! My home/social life isn't the place for that. No "he said/she said" bullshit =)

The point of all of this is that I really feel like I am growing up a lot right now. I am making changes that are positive and helping me grow into a better and more mature person.

Mature people can still eat macaroni and cheese, dance like fools, take drinking vacations, read young adult books like harry potter, live on fruit loops and play their music way too loud, right? ;)

Life Lessons: Friendship

I try not to get too heavy on the good old blog too often but I feel like there are just some things that need to get on here. I know as women we all go through friendships, some that last, some that don't, some that change, some that always stay the same. What is weird is how you can choose to end a friendship but it can still be so hard on you.

As I have gotten older and my life has changed I have started to really look at my relationships differently. Between work, raising a toddler, my marriage, life responsibilities, and our families, I know that there is much less time for friends. I wish I had more but at the stage I am at I just don't. I in no way mean this negatively but I am not a stay-at-home-mom, I don't have daytime to meet up with friends and have playdates etc. This all boils down to this..... MY TIME IS VERY LIMITED.

I want to spend the time I have on friendships that are meaningful and enrich my life. I don't want my friendships to make me feel bad, to make me feel inadequate, to give me anxiety, or to be one way relationships.

I am the kind of friend who would do absolutely anything for my best friends. I would drop everything and be there in an instant if they need me, I will inconvenience myself to help them out. I am just that kind of person. I know that this is a trait that not everyone has but nowadays I know that since this is the way that I am it is something that I need from a best friend (or at least something close). If someone that I have done these things for in the past isn't there for me when I need them then they have got to go. I have always made excuses for a certain friend I had, I would tell myself that she really did care that much, that this time it was impossible, that she just didn't get it because she hadn't been there. Now, without my rose colored glasses, I can see clearly..... she just cared much more about herself.

I am not going to pretend that I don't have my issues, I do. I come with baggage. I am talking big time emotional baggage.
Brief Description of Baggage- 
       I went through a few years of very intense infertility cycling and treatment with my husband as soon as we got married. We were only 24 and 25 at the time and it was very isolating. We didn't know anyone else going through it, we were unsuccessful for a long time. It was scary. I became very emotionally fragile, only a shell of myself. I was in running in crisis mode. We were blessed with an absolute miracle, a positive pregnancy test on our 2nd IVF. 
       We went through a VERY complicated pregnancy with a lot of issues, one of which was a high probability of our baby having Down's Syndrome. I was induced at 35weeks and 5 days due to severe pre-eclampsia and delivered by emergency c-section after that failed. Foster was in the NICU for a few days after birth. He was a pretty sick boy for his first year.
       After Foster's first birthday we started back up with IVF hoping to get pregnant, we went through 3 failed IVFs and nothing went as planned. We were forced to stop trying due to financial inability to afford any more IVFs (no insurance coverage for infertility and costing between 9-12k a pop at least).
       After all of this I started having severe anxiety attacks and my depression worsened. I was basically unable to function. I saw my doctor and we started working on medication management to help me control the anxiety.

Having summed that up I think you probably get the idea. Basically pregnancy is a tough topic for me, family size planning is gut-wrenching, all of it is really hard. I do my best to just let it roll off my shoulders but usually I am pretty sure that if someone had the balls to look me in the eyes during these group conversations you would see the look of a lost puppy..... watery empty eyes yearning to understand and feel what these people feel.

Our infertility is something that my close friends know a lot about so it is something that I would think they at least know affects me. When your best friend knows what you have been through I just expected that maybe she would take my situation into consideration in certain situations.

So as not to share too many unneeded details I will say this. All of my close girlfriend group was pregnant together (some just delivered and some are about to), except for one with a newborn and one that is single. That is 5 pregnant out of 7. Together. All due within about 3 months of each other. That was/is tough. I am happy for them but group gatherings are inevitably filled with pregnancy talk, baby planning, planning the future with their close-in-age little ones. All that fun stuff. All that stuff I can't do. All that stuff I so badly wish I was doing with them but cannot. It is like hearing your best friends plan a future that you have no place in. It is indescribable. So yes, maybe I didn't attend many large group gatherings. Im sure it made it less awkward for them, I kind of felt like it was a favor to them. I asked about their pregnancies a few times each, but I work 50+ hour weeks at a new OBGYN practice I had just joined. Honestly, my plate was overfull.

My best friend had her baby..... I found out from my husband. I had no clue. *gut punch* I texted her right away and all she wanted to do was say that she thought I didn't care. I truly know that she could not have thought that. She chose to say that I pushed everyone away and pick and chose when I wanted to show up, that she didn't have time to talk to me. We have never spoke again. That was 2 months ago.

Did my best friend, who knows everything about me, really not in all that time not stop and think for a second how hard all of that might have been for me? That maybe I was doing my best that I could while still keeping myself from falling apart? That I have always dropped everything to be there 150% for her, how could I not care that she was having her baby?

My heart was broken, it still is. 15 years of being as close as close can be. After standing right next to each other in our weddings. After everything. She just said I didn't care and she didn't have time to talk about it right now and I never heard from her ever again.

The hurt couldn't be changed or taken back now. You can't change the fact that she didn't care about me enough to either consider where I was coming from or simply honestly ask me. So while my heart is broken and hurting I have been putting on my public face (the one I have been wearing since I was 24 and my whole life changed) and I'm trying to just move on and focus on friends who are there for me. I will get there but I miss the friendship I thought I had.

What friendship lessons have you learned?

My Summer Bucket List

I love posting things like this because they sort of make me accountable. It is not that I won't do them but sometimes I forget things that I intend to do or I just need a reminder that I have things I need to get done. Can you tell I am a to-do list kind of girl? 

1. Read, Read, Read (5 books)

2. Go to the pool

3. Go to the Ballantre Splash Park

4. Go to the Splash Pad downtown at the Scioto Mile

5. COSI (science museum)

6. Go to the Zoo (and feed the giraffes while there!)

7. Grill out with friends

8. Go to 2 concerts

9. Go to the Splash Pad in Powell

10. Go to Mingo park

11. Soccer lessons for Foster

12. Swimming lessons for Foster

13. Get ice cream cones as a family

14. Play in the sprinkler

15. Become successful at the new practice that I joined

I can't wait to tackle this list and have already started my summer reading!!! What is on your summer bucket list?

Advocacy Day: The Main Event (Wednesday)

The truth is that no matter how many times I write this post I will read it and feel like I left things out, like I missed points, like something is missing. Advocacy Day was filled with so much passion, inspiration, emotion, dedication, and anger. 

You read that right. I said ANGER. Not the kind of anger that makes you scream and yell. Not the kind of anger that makes you punch the wall. But the kind of anger that makes 154 advocates from all over the country travel to Capitol Hill to educate Congress because we are ANGRY about our infertility. Sometimes anger can be healthy. It can make people demand change.

154 Advocates from 27 states, 2300+ letter from all 50 states, 160 meetings on Capitol Hill on May 7th 2014.

The 154 advocates present on May 7th was composed of women and men who went through infertility and professionals who treat infertility. Some REs (Reproductive Endocrinologists) traveled to be at these meetings and advocate as well. This was three times the number of advocates that Resolve had two years ago. This was something to be so very proud of. The organizers of this event did an amazing job and really deserve so much thanks.

The morning started with a breakfast and meeting to get everyone ready for the day. They did some talking with us about the different bills/acts that we were presenting and gave us some leave-behind materials to give to all of the congress-people that we would be seeing.

I was honored to get to hear Barb Collura talk to us that morning. She is the President of Resolve and a very inspirational woman.

We also got to hear from Jen & Whitney, the Co-Chairs of the event. They gave passionate speeches that fired us up for the day and, in all honesty, made me cry. Here are some quotes from them that really gave me goosebumps: 

"Being here isn’t easy. It’s easy to not talk about our infertility. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by our disease and to say “not this year.” It’s easy to let others do the work. In all honesty, this work has been a struggle for me this year. I’ve felt the pull to get on with my “life after infertility.” This hasn’t been easy, even for me.

I am thrilled that there are 154 of us in this room. This is nearly three times as many advocates as we had two years ago at my first AD. But it’s still not enough. What we cannot forget is that if we do not show up, if we do not do what is not easy, no one else will.

We need to recognize that we are privileged to be here today. We get to find our voices today. We get to tell our stories. We get to stand up to the injustices that we see in our healthcare system. How amazing! There are so many who are suffering who cannot be here, who cannot speak out, who cannot demand better medical care, who are alone in this battle. Today we are speaking for them" -Jen

“Today, infertility comes out of the closet. Today, you get to actually do something about your infertility. You will put a face to this disease and educate congress about this healthcare crisis we are all facing. Today we stop being victims of our disease, and start being advocates for our community.

Our work today can’t be an isolated moment in time. It’s going to require some endurance on our part. My step-mother-in-law told me that she didn’t think we’d be having to fight for something like this today, like she was doing back in the 60s/70s. Well, here we are today and it does fall to us to fight for this — let’s make sure it doesn’t fall to the children that we all want so badly.

A silent disease will yield silent results, so it’s going to take ALL of us to speak up! I invite you to find your voice today. You will turn your personal struggle into something more. I’m proud that you are not only here today, but that you guys are also leaders in a grassroots movement of mobilizing your peers to speak up and take action as well. WE ARE BUILDING A MOVEMENT!" -Whitney

We then got to hear from Representative Rick Larsen, the Sponsor who introduced the Women's Veterans and Other Healthcare Improvements Act. He gave a great speech and everyone really felt his passion when he asked us "Should men and women have to choose between serving their country and having a family?"

This photo is of the entire Ohio Constituency. We were ready to go tell our reps and senators all about the Family Act, Women's Veterans and Other Healthcare Improvements Act, & The Adoption Tax Credit Refundability Act.

I cannot even tell you how neat it was to be walking the halls of the Senate and House of Representatives buildings. I was standing in the very place where laws are made. It was inspiring to say the least.

We had a schedule of appointments that were set up for each of us by the Resolve crew. On my schedule were my Ohio Senators, Rob Portman & Sherrod Brown, and the State Representative or my district that I live in, Pat Tiberi. I also attended a meetings with another Rep from our state. Since I was attending as a professional as well I spoke about "infertility 101" and sort of taught the people we were meeting with about infertility and how many of their constituents it affects, that it is a disease, and how costly it can be.

 As I stated before we have 154 advocates from 27 states. This means that we had 23 states that were not represented by advocates BUT we had all 50 states represented in letters. I, myself, brought over 160 letters. Since I wanted to make the largest impact possible I asked to deliver letters to offices for states that were not represented by advocated. They gave me Utah and New Hampshire to also hand out. So that added many more offices and impromptu meetings to my day. I was glad to do it and it kept me VERY busy but I was there to make change and I didn't need time to sightsee.  This photo is with Representative Kuster, we got to have an impromptu meeting with her while we were delivering letters from her constituents. 

 Yep, I even went to Boehner's office, THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!!!

We got to meet Democratic Senator Sherrod Brown from Ohio and talk to him about infertility. He was interested and already supports the Veteran Bill!

All in all this experience was one that I will never forget. As a woman who is affected by infertility EVERY SINGLE DAY it is hard to explain what it feels like to get a chance to fight back. This is something that we get the chance to do normally. We suffer mostly in silence, we have very few people who can truly understand what we are going through, we lose friends, we shut down, but today we opened up.... we spoke up.... we fought back. I sat in front of so many people and I told them my story. I was heard. They may not really understand, many of those aids were too young to understand the yearn for a family or the true impact of infertility but they had to look at my face and into my eyes while I sat there and said "I am Lindsey, I was diagnosed with infertility when I was only 24 years old, I have been through IVF FIVE times, and I have spent over $72,000 out of pocket to try to build my family. HELP ME."

I cannot fix infertility for everyone, god knows I cannot seem to fix myself. But what I can do is fight. Fight for me, fight for you, fight for us.

I am back, *promise*

The last month and half has been full of changes, stress, overtime, and personal growth. I have so much to catch all of you up on and I need to make myself a promise not to slack on my blogging like this!

Over the next week or so you will see me posting all kinds of overdue posts. Thank you for being awesome readers and sticking with me through my silent phases, sometimes life has ebbs and flows that are hard or not appropriate to put into words at a certain time. I felt like I had to "go dark" until I could talk about the things that were really going on.

Holy Busy Month!

April has been a whirlwind of a month! Needless to say, work has been keeping me very busy. I have also been sick twice this month (I am currently sick), Foster was sick, Justin was sick (twice), and it snowed in april. Did I mention Easter?!

So, work has been a steady progression on more and more patients on my caseload, which is fabulous. I am doing so may different things and it keeps it exciting. Most people probably think of my job and think that I so pap smears and prenatal visits all day but I don't! I also do colpo's with biopsy, endometrial biopsies, IUD insertion and removals, Nexplanon insertions (which I love), ultrasound (TONS OF ULTRASOUNDS, both gyn and OB)... the list goes on and on. Most importantly, to me, I am doing the infertility consults for our office. I am doing monitored cycles and IUI right there in our practice. This monitoring and triggering that I am able to do is all thanks to my very special "fellowship" I did at an Reproductive Endocrinology office during grad school with the best RE in the country (duh, she made Foster!).

Heres the kicker...... this month I have gotten some beyond fantastic news. 2 of my first IUI patients are pregnant. One after 3 years of treatments after losing a baby at 30 weeks pregnant (with practically no ovarian reserve left) and the other after 6 years of trying. These were cases close to my heart and I shared in their excitement. There is NOTHING MORE REWARDING. Tomorrow morning I get to do the first OB ultrasound for one of those couples, pretty sure we will all be teary eyed (in a happy way) together. *warm fuzzies*

I have organized a team for the March of Dimes March for Babies that is this weekend. Foster was premature and this cause is a great one. I have a team ready to walk called "March for Foster" and we have raised over $500!

So, while blogging has not been a success this month other things have been! Tomorrow I am "carrying" the blog baton on instagram @TheBlogBaton so check me out as I will posting all day on that account so you can see what my daily life is like!

Happy Birthday to ME!

That's right, tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 29 (ouch!). This is my LAST YEAR OF BEING YOUNG, then I have to be a grown up. BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

I thought there was no better way to celebrate than to update my 30 under 30 goal list and see what I had accomplished since I made it at the beginning of december (12/5/13) and what I left to accomplish in the next year because.... let's face it friends, 1 year till 30. (cue tears and trembling)

I think I have done pretty good since december! Now I just need to get some of the zoos and parks on the list taken care of since the weather is finally going to get better! I also need to plan a weekend away for just JD and I to reconnect. Ahhhh, life.

My Biggest Fear

This is sort of a tough one for me actually. If you asked me a couple years ago this would have been a very simple answer "Failure" but now that I have a child my biggest fear is losing him/something happening to him. I think this is probably every (good) parent's worst fear though so today I am going to talk about my overwhelming fear of failure.

I know it probably sounds silly and irrational but failure just isn't in my vocabulary. It is not an outcome that I have on the table to choose from. My parents always expected a lot from me and I wasn't rewarded for doing well, if I didn't do well it was "WHY DID YOU GET A 'B' IN THAT CLASS" or something along those lines. Second best was just that, second. 

I have always been competitive and all of my friend will agree that when it comes to a game or competition I am "in it to win it" which I think is healthy and important. Who wants to do things with someone who doesn't put in effort and care about winning?! Certainly not me.

I think, however, that while failure scares the crap out of me I need to learn that it is ok also. I need to learn that sometimes I am going to fail and that it is ok. Infertility was something that really hit me hard because no matter what I did, how hard I tried, or how much effort I put in I could NOT GET PREGNANT. I was literally losing my mind over it. Not only for the obvious reasons but because I felt so out of control and like such a failure. This wasn't acceptable and I immediately, upon realizing that I may just be a total failure at reproducing, signed up for grad school. I was gonna prove that I could succeed gosh darn it!!! So succeed I did. I got into the program I wanted, the quarter I wanted, for the specialty I wanted and I went through it with a 3.9 GPA. TAKE THAT FAILURE!!!!

You know what that taught me? That no matter what I do some things are out of my hands. I went through, and still struggle with, major depression and anxiety. My fear of failure is debilitating. I can spend every moment planning out how to succeed but sometimes I just cannot do it.

So while this is ONE of my biggest fears I know that it is one that I must tackle, and I am trying.

New Challenge... ACCEPTED!

                                                                          

I am going to attempt this "30 Days of Blogging" knowing that I may post more than one day at a time and miss some days but I will do my best!

1. Show the blog some love- It is no lie, this blog has been neglected lately. Joining a new practice and settling in has been a transition and a learning experience. It has been draining, rewarding, exhausting, fun, wild, and crazy! Now I need to get back to the things that are therapeutic for me, and my blog is one of them.

2. Get some billing/production issues solved at work- Need to have this meeting since the first quarter ended on March 31st and some things are "globally" billed and we need to figure out how this works when we all see those patients in the office.

3. Clean my freakin house!- It needs it, bottom line. I need to get it cleaned up enough to have the cleaning lady come and do a deep spring cleaning.

4. Party my ass off for my 29th birthday- Yep, necessary. Party is in the planning currently.

5. Re-evaluate my 30 before 30 because I only have 1 year left (eeeeek!)- I only have one freaking year left, how scary is that?! I need to look at this list and GET BUSY. At least I can say I that I completed my 20's as a successful career woman building my medical practice and client base. Thats a plus if my book!

6. Take Happy Valley by storm with my Nursing Girls- no doubt. Watch out this weekend if you ar win the happiest of valleys.

7. Go get a massage- Because, hell, I deserve it.