Life Lessons: Friendship

Thursday, June 19, 2014

I try not to get too heavy on the good old blog too often but I feel like there are just some things that need to get on here. I know as women we all go through friendships, some that last, some that don't, some that change, some that always stay the same. What is weird is how you can choose to end a friendship but it can still be so hard on you.

As I have gotten older and my life has changed I have started to really look at my relationships differently. Between work, raising a toddler, my marriage, life responsibilities, and our families, I know that there is much less time for friends. I wish I had more but at the stage I am at I just don't. I in no way mean this negatively but I am not a stay-at-home-mom, I don't have daytime to meet up with friends and have playdates etc. This all boils down to this..... MY TIME IS VERY LIMITED.

I want to spend the time I have on friendships that are meaningful and enrich my life. I don't want my friendships to make me feel bad, to make me feel inadequate, to give me anxiety, or to be one way relationships.

I am the kind of friend who would do absolutely anything for my best friends. I would drop everything and be there in an instant if they need me, I will inconvenience myself to help them out. I am just that kind of person. I know that this is a trait that not everyone has but nowadays I know that since this is the way that I am it is something that I need from a best friend (or at least something close). If someone that I have done these things for in the past isn't there for me when I need them then they have got to go. I have always made excuses for a certain friend I had, I would tell myself that she really did care that much, that this time it was impossible, that she just didn't get it because she hadn't been there. Now, without my rose colored glasses, I can see clearly..... she just cared much more about herself.

I am not going to pretend that I don't have my issues, I do. I come with baggage. I am talking big time emotional baggage.
Brief Description of Baggage- 
       I went through a few years of very intense infertility cycling and treatment with my husband as soon as we got married. We were only 24 and 25 at the time and it was very isolating. We didn't know anyone else going through it, we were unsuccessful for a long time. It was scary. I became very emotionally fragile, only a shell of myself. I was in running in crisis mode. We were blessed with an absolute miracle, a positive pregnancy test on our 2nd IVF. 
       We went through a VERY complicated pregnancy with a lot of issues, one of which was a high probability of our baby having Down's Syndrome. I was induced at 35weeks and 5 days due to severe pre-eclampsia and delivered by emergency c-section after that failed. Foster was in the NICU for a few days after birth. He was a pretty sick boy for his first year.
       After Foster's first birthday we started back up with IVF hoping to get pregnant, we went through 3 failed IVFs and nothing went as planned. We were forced to stop trying due to financial inability to afford any more IVFs (no insurance coverage for infertility and costing between 9-12k a pop at least).
       After all of this I started having severe anxiety attacks and my depression worsened. I was basically unable to function. I saw my doctor and we started working on medication management to help me control the anxiety.

Having summed that up I think you probably get the idea. Basically pregnancy is a tough topic for me, family size planning is gut-wrenching, all of it is really hard. I do my best to just let it roll off my shoulders but usually I am pretty sure that if someone had the balls to look me in the eyes during these group conversations you would see the look of a lost puppy..... watery empty eyes yearning to understand and feel what these people feel.

Our infertility is something that my close friends know a lot about so it is something that I would think they at least know affects me. When your best friend knows what you have been through I just expected that maybe she would take my situation into consideration in certain situations.

So as not to share too many unneeded details I will say this. All of my close girlfriend group was pregnant together (some just delivered and some are about to), except for one with a newborn and one that is single. That is 5 pregnant out of 7. Together. All due within about 3 months of each other. That was/is tough. I am happy for them but group gatherings are inevitably filled with pregnancy talk, baby planning, planning the future with their close-in-age little ones. All that fun stuff. All that stuff I can't do. All that stuff I so badly wish I was doing with them but cannot. It is like hearing your best friends plan a future that you have no place in. It is indescribable. So yes, maybe I didn't attend many large group gatherings. Im sure it made it less awkward for them, I kind of felt like it was a favor to them. I asked about their pregnancies a few times each, but I work 50+ hour weeks at a new OBGYN practice I had just joined. Honestly, my plate was overfull.

My best friend had her baby..... I found out from my husband. I had no clue. *gut punch* I texted her right away and all she wanted to do was say that she thought I didn't care. I truly know that she could not have thought that. She chose to say that I pushed everyone away and pick and chose when I wanted to show up, that she didn't have time to talk to me. We have never spoke again. That was 2 months ago.

Did my best friend, who knows everything about me, really not in all that time not stop and think for a second how hard all of that might have been for me? That maybe I was doing my best that I could while still keeping myself from falling apart? That I have always dropped everything to be there 150% for her, how could I not care that she was having her baby?

My heart was broken, it still is. 15 years of being as close as close can be. After standing right next to each other in our weddings. After everything. She just said I didn't care and she didn't have time to talk about it right now and I never heard from her ever again.

The hurt couldn't be changed or taken back now. You can't change the fact that she didn't care about me enough to either consider where I was coming from or simply honestly ask me. So while my heart is broken and hurting I have been putting on my public face (the one I have been wearing since I was 24 and my whole life changed) and I'm trying to just move on and focus on friends who are there for me. I will get there but I miss the friendship I thought I had.

What friendship lessons have you learned?
  1. Hey there! I nominated you for the Liebster Award! Find out how to pay if forward :)

  2. Haven't talked to you in a long time but I def feel your pain. There are people I thought were my friends that I havent seen or talked to in years. Some I've known since 4th grade. And an ex best friend who I did everything with, that never even offers to hang out when I do come back home. At first when I moved I was mad because I felt like Iswas trying to keep in touch and still be friends but no one else was. Life goes on. The people that truly care about you will always be there no matter what. You will always have your family and son there for you ♥